I don’t know if you have ever seen or heard of the old 1968 Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda movie Yours, Mine, and Ours. If not, I highly recommend watching it. It was one of my all time favorite movies when I was a kid growing up right into adulthood! It’s one of the funniest, zaniest, and most heart tugging movies I’ve ever seen. You might have seen the reboot, but it’s pretty hard to top Lucille Ball’s performance in the original. Basically, boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy finds out that between his children and her children they would share 18 children. Yes, I said 18! They decide not to pursue the relationship once they find out about the other’s children, but of course they eventually marry and the result makes for a great movie. I can’t count how many times I’ve watched it…and I definitely didn’t realize one day I would be living it.
David and I share 5 children(thankfully not 18) and 1 granddaughter. I say share because technically the oldest 3 boys are his and the youngest boy and ONLY girl are mine. When we married, all 5 of them lived with us. I stayed on top of the housework out of sheer fear I would be lost under a pile of dishes somewhere! Seriously, I did about two loads of dishes and a couple loads of laundry a day. Thank God for dishwashers and washing machines!
Let me say I was terrified of being a stepmom. Especially since my new sons were all teens and my birth children were 9 and 6. I knew nothing about raising teens. Many books were read about blended families and how to go about this new life, but my true wisdom came from the Lord.
I was about to move our youngest two children into David’s home that he shared with our oldest three and had previously shared with their mother. Yes, I know you think I’m crazy right about now. I probably was a little crazy. His former wife is super neat. I have never been to her home when things were not in perfect order, minus the toys that our granddaughter likes to have out to play with. It’s not uninvitingly clean, but she keeps a great house. I, on the other hand, struggle with making our bed everyday. (And David says amen!) Thankfully I have giftings in other areas. So knowing how the newest part of my family was accustomed to living was pretty scary for me.
The time came for us to move in together and I asked God how to do this blended family thing. One bit of wisdom He gave me was to leave the house, decorations and all, as it was for about a year. (I want to note right here this is not for everyone. It just happened to be what I needed to do for my newest family members.) It was difficult to not change everything right away, but I saw the wisdom in it later on. I found out later the boys were afraid I wouldn’t want them living in the same house and they would have to move out. Now mind you I had NEVER said or implied anything of the sort. They were simply in a state of unrest as were my children because of the disintegration of their first family. Everything they knew had suddenly changed. But that one simple act of leaving things as they were reassured them that I wasn’t expecting them to go anywhere. About a year later I started making changes here and there and one of them would come home and tell me how they liked it.
I also had to make a place for my youngest children. They didn’t just have someone invade their home, they moved to a brand new home AND city. They had to leave the only friends they ever knew and start over. I tried to create a sense of belonging for them. We enclosed the dining room and made a bedroom with bunk beds. We let them pick out the color and fortunately it wasn’t lime green. I spent the first few years homeschooling them, because they had never been in public school. This was another bit of wisdom. Sometimes it caused friction with David and I because homeschool was a new idea for him, but in the end it gave a sort of normalcy for them so it worked for our family. Years later they have both excelled in public school and we have determined we made the right decision.
Another important step I took was to foster relationships with my new sons. I tried to take every opportunity they would allow to connect with them. It took some time and some rejection, but eventually they saw I truly cared about them and genuinely wanted to know them better. I remember when my oldest stepson came home from work every day I would ask how his day was. The answer was always good as he walked to his room. The day finally came when I got a little more. As usual I asked how his day was, he replied it was good and begin to walk away. He backed up then stated that it sucked and related how his day truly went. That simple exchange meant so much to me because I was beginning to think it would never happen. I believe he just needed to know I was in this for the long haul.
The most important decision I made though was to build a united front with David. Our children had seen marriages fail, but they desperately needed to see one succeed. We had the golden opportunity to give this to all of them. We didn’t always agree on how everything should be, but we kept most of our disagreements behind closed doors. Sometimes we accomplished this goal of solidarity, other times we failed miserably. But through it all, we have persevered and hopefully have been a good example to our kids.
I would be thrilled to report after about a year we all lived in perfect harmony, but that was not the case. We had some tough times, but we did eventually learn to be a family. It didn’t happen overnight. In fact it happened in baby steps. Children, even (maybe especially) older teenagers, that have had their world ripped apart through no fault of their own can have serious trust issues. They had to learn to trust again. It’s still not perfect, but what family is?
It took a lot of hard work and the adults in their lives to act like grown ups for us to come together, but eventually we did. We were recently visiting with our granddaughter at the home of David’s first wife. She made the statement that she feels like we are one big family now. That’s exactly how it is. Our children will never have the awkwardness at weddings, holidays, and birthdays because they have seen us all get along. It has helped them to have a healthy state of mind.
There are some of you in this very situation and you think you will never have this in your family. Let me assure you there was a time when I thought the same. It did take a toll on our marriage, but we are finally thriving through it. I wish I could say we made it this far because we are so incredibly intelligent. That is truly laughable! It was simply by the grace of God and His wisdom and guidance that we’ve come this far.
If you find yourself in the same situation, ask God for wisdom. According to James chapter 1, God will give it generously to those that ask. Seek out others that are going through the same thing and lift each other up. We were never meant to do life alone. Nurture relationships with your children and stepchildren. It takes time and patience, but the reward is worth it all. Finally, ALWAYS let your children that be aware that you and your spouse are in unity. They need to have the security that you can not be divided.
It’s not an easy road, but with the support of your spouse, the encouragement of other blended parents, and especially God’s wisdom, you can do this!