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It’s OK to Have Jesus and a Therapist Too!

Last December was a rough season for me. I didn’t even feel like decorating for Christmas. Gasp! I am normally an upbeat person and for whatever reason I was in a funk. No matter how hard I prayed and tried to move on I just could NOT pull myself out of it. So I decided to go for some outside help and started seeing a counselor. I’m usually a pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going kind of gal so this was not my regular response. There might have been a little pride involved as well. (Who am I kidding? My pride was definitely an issue!)

Who knew you could have Jesus and a therapist too? (Insert shrug here.) More on this later.

As I begin to see my new “confidant” walls that I had put up for years began to fall and repressed emotions slowly made their way to the surface. After I shared some of my hang ups about my marriage my counselor asked if David and I had ever thought about marriage counseling. I told her we had a few sessions before we married and had seen a different counselor about a year after we married. However, we were still having issues in our communication with one another. David says it’s because he speaks Texan and I speak Tennessean. He gets an eye roll from me every single time he says that. She explained about the Gottman method that she uses for counseling. It made a lot of sense and was very scripted without too much guesswork so I decided to approach David about it.

I gave David a little decompressing time after he got home from work and then I asked him for a few minutes to speak with him about my session that day. Once he settled I explained how the Gottman method worked and how it would be beneficial to our marriage. And then…I dropped it. David has to process things in his own time. One might think he’s forgotten about it, but I guarantee he hasn’t. He just likes to make informed choices and doesn’t like to be rash in his decisions, a wonderful quality I have come to love about this man.

Later that night he asked me a few more questions about it and then proceeded to let me know we could give it a go. I said great! I’ll make the appointment and off we went to counseling.

We’ve had several successful sessions since that first appointment. Our communication still isn’t perfect and we are not argument proof, but we have made many steps toward better communication. We tend to listen to one another more than before and judge each other less. It’s not an easy task to live with someone day in and day out and not let their flaws get to you. However, if you begin to focus less on their flaws and more on the good things that attracted you to your spouse in the first place it becomes much more palatable.

Marriage is like a machine and machines need regular maintenance. My husband works at an oil refinery and they have routine shutdowns where they require certain areas to be closed down to perform much needed maintenance. If they don’t, many things could go wrong and people could get hurt or killed if these repairs are neglected. In the same way marriages need maintenance. What would happen if you never changed the oil in your vehicle? You’ll find yourself stranded. Some people think they have to wait until their marriage is falling apart to go to counseling. Why wait? Mechanics will tell you it’s better to maintain your vehicle than try to patch it up after years of neglect. Marriage is the same way. Many marriages fail after years and years of neglect. David and I choose to keep up with our regular maintenance so our marriage will last and become even stronger. I married a very smart man to not let his pride stand in the way of a great marriage.

Back to who knew you could have Jesus and a therapist too. Mental health is not something that is openly discussed in many churches. It’s implied that if we are in right standing with God we should be ok. Well it’s not always that simple. Sometimes we need that added help to work through our thoughts. I went through some things as a child that conditioned me to shut my mind off to my emotions. I have a hard time allowing myself to connect to my feelings so it takes me a bit to even understand why I’m upset about certain happenings at times. Talking through my emotions with a counselor has really helped me. Yes, I can talk to Jesus about it as well and that helps, but sometimes you need someone tangible to help you walk through some circumstances. THAT IS OK. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to get the help you need. Don’t let pride or the stigma that there’s something wrong with your spiritual life stop you from seeking therapy. During my search for a counselor I saw a picture on my counselor’s Facebook page. It said, “It’s ok to have Jesus and a therapist too”. I’m here to tell you…it’s ok for you, too.

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Building Houses

Yesterday David and I set off on quite the adventure. Last February we booked a cruise for this week. It’s the K-love cruise so both of us being musicians and the fact that we would be on board with several Christian artists was right up our alley! You can definitely say we’ve been looking forward to this trip for some time now.

Things started off rather well. We got up early, finished our packing, had our daughter drive us to the airport, checked in, ate lunch, got through security and to the gate with plenty of time to spare. More than we even knew…our flight had been delayed.

We were supposed to take off at 1:40 pm. When we settled in at our gate everything was on time. Then came the dreaded announcement that our plane was having some maintenance and would not be ready until 3:00. Ok, not too bad. I can hang with that. Around 2:30 the announcer declared we were still on for that time so I decided now was the time to put my Dramamine to work. Immediately after ingesting said medicine came another announcement stating how very sorry they were but our time was once again moved. This time to 4:30. No problem. We had met others that were headed to the same cruise as us and enjoyed visiting with them.

Yet another announcement informed us we needed to switch gates and our new takeoff would be 4:50. Ummmm ok. Meanwhile the coffee I had didn’t agree with me and I had to make several trips to the bathroom. Wow. What a day!

After switching gates we met a few other fun travelers and visited some more. We always enjoy talking with others from different parts of the country. It’s nice to know we are all truly connected in many ways.

David pulled out his ukulele bass and proceeded to play. I only wished I had a piano to keep me entertained. Then I remembered I could download a keyboard to my iPad and soon we were playing a few songs together in the middle of the airport. Since music helped bring us together when we met, it’s always a good thing when we play together.

Finally at 6:00 pm we were pulling out of the gate and headed down the runway…4 hours past our original departure time. Oh well. Our flight wasn’t full so we had some extra elbow room and I got in a little nap. We touched down 2 hours later and we were off again!

After a quick stop to the restroom I exited to see my sweet husband praying for a lady in a wheelchair. She and her husband were so appreciative and I was blessed to see my other half ministering in the airport.

We collected our luggage and I scheduled my very first Uber pickup. Our driver was there quickly and whisked us away to our hotel! Yes! Finally I was going to get some rest after a very long day!

David’s sister and brother in-law met us outside the hotel and escorted us to our room. We visited for a bit and then we were all going to turn in for the night.

I went to my luggage to get what I needed to prepare for bed…did I mentioned it poured in Houston before we departed? Much to my chagrin my whole suitcase was soaked. I had one shirt with water stains I had to wash out and the majority of my clothes were dripping wet. Seriously?!? I just wanted to go to bed.

There were no dryers at the hotel so David and I proceeded to hang up clothes to dry. It took longer than I wanted but it had to be done. After a short trip to his sister’s room for extra hangers we finished that task and headed to bed.

David began to rub my back, but his hands were rough and I started to complain his hands were tearing up my skin. (I have a little flair for the dramatic.) This was after several other times I had snapped at him for various things. I mean my clothes got soaked and his were bone dry! What’s up with that?

Now I had done it. I knew immediately I had hurt his feelings. He was just trying to make me feel better. At this point of the night I had 2 choices. Let him hurt and get some much needed sleep or use my words and actions to heal instead of hurt.

I switched on my lamp, walked to the suitcase, and got out the lotion. I went to his side of the bed(where he had retreated), took out some lotion and rubbed it into his hands. See my husband’s hands are rough because he is a welder by trade and he works very hard to provide for his family. Must of the time I appreciate those hands, but this day had gotten the better of me.

Wives, we have the ability to make or break our husbands. I could have turned over and easily gone to sleep, but Jesus set a very different example for me. He served. He washed feet for goodness sake!

As I rubbed the lotion into his hands I could feel his tenseness go away. He began to relax and we were able to not let the sun go down on our anger as Paul says in Ephesians.

Proverbs 14:1 says a wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I want to be that wise woman! However, to be the wise woman we must be open to doing the right thing even after a crazy day.

I’m thankful I took care of that right away and didn’t let it fester overnight. Was I too tired to make the effort? Yes! Did I feel like getting back up? No! Was it necessary to make amends? Absolutely! Ultimately in everything I do I want to please my Heavenly Father. I believe he was pleased in that one simple act and will bless me accordingly.

Friends let’s choose to be the wise woman! May God give us the strength and ability to do His will in our marriages.

Ready. Set. Build!

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Clash of the Spouses

Your spouse is not your enemy! Repeat. Your spouse is not your enemy! 

Someone needed to hear that today. Like down deep in their heart and soul hear that. I needed to hear that the day after my very first post. What happens when you begin to write about marriage? Immediate conflict in your own marriage, of course.

David and I had an old fashioned, rip roaring, snot wielding fight the day after this blog went live. Why? A couple of reasons. One because we are both stubborn and a bit set in our ways and two anytime you step out in faith to do something you know you’re supposed to do you will immediately get attacked by the enemy. 

Why did we start fighting? Laundry y’all…laundry. It usually begins with something small and ends with all the sins of your spouse in the last ten years of marriage. We had the biggest blow up that we’ve had in a while. David and I are both very competitive in nature so NATURALLY we begin arguing over who empties out the dryer lint trap the most. I know you’re sitting there reading this either rolling your eyes because this is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard or you’re laughing in complete understanding because you’ve had the same type of showdown in your own marriage. 

You would think after almost ten years of marriage you would be immune to so much conflict. That would be a big fat negative. A normal marriage will have conflict. Think about it. Two different people from two completely different backgrounds with two different ideologies on how things should run in a household decide to marry and live in the same house. What could possibly go wrong? Anything and everything. There will always be conflict, but it’s how you deal with it that matters.

Let me first say that we didn’t cope with it in the best of ways. We can have a communication breakdown like nobody’s business. Not really listening to one another, twisting each other’s words, assuming we know what the other is thinking. Then of course comes the stomping off, blowing up like an old toad frog, and ignoring one another cause you just don’t want to even be in the same room. Anyone else out there or is this just me and David? 

This is where social media can play a disintegrating part in marriage. We begin to look at everyone else’s lives and think we are the only ones arguing. Listen very carefully peeps. PEOPLE ONLY PUT THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGE ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Just because you only see the good stuff doesn’t make the bad stuff nonexistent. Now back to the subject at hand.

We’ve discussed conflict, a response, and now comes time for resolution. Someone has to swallow their pride and go to the other person. Maybe you’re complaining, but I ALWAYS make the first move to work things out! Wonderful! Congratulations! You are my peacemakers! Don’t make it a bad thing or a weak thing. It takes guts to make the first move. You don’t know how much time you have left with your spouse, why waste it? Just to look back at the time you lost being angry and wonder what the point of your argument was. It’s just not worth being angry for hours and days.

I will say we ended it well. I began to feel terrible because of my treatment and disrespect of David. He was feeling awful about how it all went down and we came together to make peace with one another. Did we work out our entire list of grievances? No. We still have issues that need to be ironed out, but we have resolved to work them out together and not quit. David told me he was telling a guy the other day that you can be with someone for ten years and then leave that person and start fresh, but you will still have problems with the new person. It doesn’t make sense to throw away all the time and effort you’ve put into one another. 

As we stood in our kitchen hugging it out and apologizing to one another David said well at least I’ll give you plenty of material for this blog! He made me laugh and who can be mad at someone that makes them laugh? 

A couple of things to remember. You will have conflict. How you deal with it is up to you. But we’ve found that dealing with it quickly and respectfully is a good way to begin. Always find the way back to one another and determine to resolve your disagreements. Because in the end your spouse is your closest friend, not your enemy.